Detroit Driving Tips
November 5th, 2006 Ryan Jones
With the All Star game tomorrow and the Super Bowl coming later this year to Detroit, we at dotCULT would like to provide the following primer on driving to and from your destination in Detroit.
1. First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It’s Di-troit. NOT DEE-troit. If you pronounce it DEE-Troit then we
will assume you are from Toledo and here for the country Music hoe-down.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.
Detroit has its own version of traffic rules… Hold on and pray!
3. The morning rush hour is from 6:00am to 10:00am. The evening rush hour is from 3:00pm to
7:00pm. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning. Weekends are open game.
4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you
will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. If you’re first off the starting line when the light turns green, count to five before going. This will avoid getting in the way of cross-traffic who just ran their yellow light to keep from getting shot.
5. Schoenherr can ONLY be properly pronounced by a
native of the Detroit metro area. That goes for Gratiot too.
6. Construction and renovation on I-94,I-96,
I-75,I-275,I-375, The Lodge and The Southfield
Freeways are a way of life. Just deal with it.
7. If someone actually has their turn signal on,
it is probably a factory defect or they are “out-of-towners”
8. All old men with white hair wearing a hat have total right-of-way.
9. The minimum acceptable speed on I-696 is 85
regardless of the posted speeds. Anything less is
considered downright SISSY. Oh, and don’t even think of allowing more than one car length between cars!
10. That attractive wrought iron on the windows and doors in Detroit is NOT ornamental. DO NOT get out of your car.
11. Never stare at the driver of the car with the
bumper sticker that says “Keep honking, I’m
reloading.” It’s not a joke.
12. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70
in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving ‘because they are so friendly in Detroit’. I would suggest youduck.
13. I-275/I-696 is our daily version of NASCAR.
14. It’s not M-10, it’s “the Lodge”.
15. That’s not a lake, it’s a pothole.
16. If someone tells you it’s on Outer Drive, you
better hope you have a map.
17. The left turn is simple. If you want to turn left, go a 1/4 of a mile past your turn, get to the left, then make a left, then make a right. NOW you have gone left.
18. We have 4 seasons in Detroit: Almost Winter, Winter, Still fucking winter, and construction barrel.
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